Clay’s smile. I knew what she meant, of

Clay’s Point-of-View            “SURPRISE!!” as soon as I entered our house. Balloons were all over the floor with Skye standing at middle of the living room holding a cake and a paper bag. Not again.Her biggest and sweetest smile faded when she saw me so clueless of what was going on. “You forgot huh. What’s new, Jensen?” I immediately hugged her and said sorry for forgetting. I suddenly remembered what she is talking about. It is our fourth anniversary as a ‘couple’ and this is the fourth time I forgot about it.”It’s the fourth time you forgot and it’s been fifteen years since you know… her death.. I am not even surprised at all, I just thought you might remember this time” she said with an obvious sad smile. I knew what she meant, of course I know. It’s her death anniversary and that’s where I went earlier but she doesn’t know, all she knows was I attended a meeting at work today. Here we go again and again and again, she brought it up again. “Why do you always open up that topic? How many times do I have to tell you that I am over her?!” I shouted. She just sat on the couch and placed everything she was holding on the table.”I’m sorry” okay I felt a little guilty there. I hugged her again while telling her “I’m sorry darling, I was just too busy at work and you know that. Let me make it up to you, let’s have dinner in our favorite restaurant”. She just smiled at me and stood up saying that she’s tired and sleepy. I was just staring at her as she was leaving me alone in the leaving room. Why am I like this? I love her. I know that I do, but why just can’t I show it to her. Why didn’t I went after her while she was leaving? Why is she even staying with me even if this is what I am doing to her? How is she still in love with me even if I’m a jerk?  I do not really know what to do. I want to make it up to her, I want to make her happy and show her that I really love her and that I care for her. Maybe this is the right time for me to make a move, to do the first move, because it has been her who makes a move. It was always her. I’m going to surprise her and make her feel loved for the first time. Maybe it might also help me forget about her.I love Skye. I really do. Well I’m not sure.. but she was the one who was always there for me when I was going through a lot. I need to surprise her tomorrow as soon as she wakes up. It’s time to start a new life and truly move on. I’ll make her breakfast tomorrow morning since she was always the one who wakes up early and make breakfast for me. I’m not going to sleep, maybe a little sacrifice for her. I will try.     Skye’s Point-of-View*before the surprise*”I hope he remembers this time” I whispered to myself while I’m preparing for my surprise. I hope but I do not want get my hopes up also I don’t want to be disappointed again. Every time. Every effin time! This will be the fourth time if he forgets it. Which I’m so sure of that he will forget and laughed sarcastically. But let’s see, I’m going to wait for him.After oh-so-many hours, he texted me that he’s already here. As soon as he entered I shouted surprise and clearly he was surprised seeing me standing in the middle of the living room with his favorite cake and a paper bag on my hand, balloons covered the floor because he didn’t knew why. From that moment I was so sure that he forgot again. What’s new hahaha why did I even expected at first. Why? I knew from the start that it was Hannah’s death anniversary. He always gets mad when I mention something that involves her or something related to her. Even if he denies it, I know it. I know that he’s not fully move on. I can see it from his eyes that he is still affected everytime he hears something about her. I knew where he went and why he forgot again. I knew. I knew that he is lying to me but I refuse to argue with him about that topic. I’m afraid that he might leave me, I’m afraid that he might realize that he doesn’t love me. I’m not ready. I love him, I love him too much even if it hurts. I can do everything and anything for him, just to make him happy. I know that I’m acting like a fool, but what can I do, he’s everything I have. I just don’t care if I sacrifice too much for him.As soon as I left him alone in the living room, I went upstairs and a painful tear just went out of my eye. Tears won’t stop from falling from my eyes. I don’t want to get tired of him, I can’t get tired of him. I’m too scared. It hurts so much to see that he is with me, that he is living with me in the same roof but his soul is so far away from me, his heart is so near but yet still so far away from me. When will he realize that I am here, that I was always there for him when he has nothing. How many times do I have to show off until he notice me? How can he not see me or notice me after everything that I did for him?When will I have a special role in his life? I’m getting tired, I feel so tired but I cannot be tired because who’s going to be there for him if I leave? Who’s going to look after him, who’s going to take care of him? All these questions keep coming to my mind everytime and that everytime I don’t have a clear answer. The questions are just adding up and not being answered. I am physically, mentally, and emotionally tired. But I still choose to continue my life with him, waiting for him to love me. I waited for him to go after me, but I guess he doesn’t care. My heart is full of pain and all I can do is cry to let it out. I won’t actually be surprise if my heart will explode at any moment right now.Even if he is like that, I won’t give up. I’m still hoping that someday, maybe someday he’ll be there for me too every time I need him. As far as I can remember, before crying myself to sleep I let out a huge mournful sigh and whispered to myself, “What’s new?”

x

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