The Whatever to keep me from going under

The Barricaded Heart

I remember nights when I didn’t remember nights

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If I remember right

Life was cold like December ice

What made me most sick is that my brother couldn’t get the devil off of him

Now I have to press nine every time just to talk to him

Life’s throwing shots at me but I can only give what I receive

Gun powder on clothes, now I’m washing my machine

On the block these bullets were like feelings

You can catch them at any time

I was tired of feeling, so I started moving with any kind

Ignorant to the inflicted pain you would’ve thought I was blind

I guess pain and I have always been adjacent, it can never slide off me

 

I grew up in a maze                                                                                                                             Selfless, I’m self raised 

There was hatred in my love 

 

One night, after so many fights

So many bruises

Taking L’s every night

I just got tired of losing

So many excuses I just got tired of using

Whatever to keep me from going under

I was ready to do it

But I still wounded

Probably from screaming

STOP!

My pop was abusive

 

We’re at the bottom, why does he have to keep reminding me?                                                        Pain is compulsory                                                                                                                          Suffering, optional                                                                                                                                        So I spent time alone to define life                                                                                             

It got so lonely in the week                                                                                                                        No surrender, no retreat                                                                                                                           

Some family on my tree can only hear my branch when they use to hear my leaves                                    This pain led me to streets                                                                                                                                It became the goat to my sheep                              

Eventually I asked myself                                                                                                                        Would you rather have blood on your jeans or mud on your leaves?                                                    Now, I’m trying my best to stay grounded                                                                                                Keep my head in the game and not in the hype                                                                                         I remember days I went into the house to get away from the storm                                                           And the rain started leaking through the roof                                                                                         Everyday I’m seeking change                                                                                                                    You don’t know how far I really came                                                                                                              All the drugs to portray all the pain                                                                                                         Praying God can break these chains                                                                                                    Because this is my slavery                                                                                                                              My brain, the home of the bravery                                                                                                             So my blessings are made for me                                                                                                                     If it was your time would you really wait for me?

I learned the hard way

Now I’m going all the way

Ball like I’m Hardaway

Where I’m going it’s hard to say

I just know in this environment I will not stay

Because they tried minus my pluses to divide my people                                                                                           Ambition plus depression divided by oppression,

Can you tell me what that equals?

 

My whole life, I had my family under one roof

The wind blew and took half of them to YOU

Wow this life really gambles with youth

I wish I could hold it and snatch it in two

 

My granny once told me: son nothing is coming for free

But now I’m at the Grammy’s and everyone coming for free

The writing was on the wall, now we know who destiny’s child is

Immortal figure, trying to put ring on it like Beyoncé

Married to success but I’m divorcing what they all say

God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers

We never see the value of a mission until it’s over

Now my family and I can finally lay on the beach

Share a peaceful feast

The worthless child,

The reasons the family is out of the wild

So if you take a minute and look at what I’ve been through

You would never give up because look where it’ll get you

x

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